Feelings Can be Crummy

Have you ever got the feeling from someone that you just plain annoy them? 

Isn't that a strange thing to blog about...For the most part, this blog is about keeping track of sweet family memories, but not today. Today it's a heart diary.

This feeling of annoyance from someone, it can be subtle or very obvious. I think the subtle kind is harder. When they can seem ok to your face, but behind the scenes you know that they don't have you on their imaginary "A" team....

In some ways, it feels petty, but it can quickly turn hurtful. It becomes exhausting to feel like at any moment you might say something that frustrates them, or pushes you back 10 steps in the relationship. Sometimes you know exactly why someone doesn't think highly of you....other times, it seems to be, because you are you!

Since I'm blogging about this, it's obviously on my mind, it's sticking with me. I've asked myself why this is bothering me so much....I've asked my husband why I'm so bothered....I can't make someone like me....Even if I've had years to try. Love can't be forced. I'm not usually very insecure so this has puzzled me. 

So....what has all this pondering led me to? 

The realization that I've done this to others. That, hurts more than anything else. Some maybe I've even done it to unknowingly. This time, I'm just on the receiving side.

What causes this nasty thing? Jealousy, insecurity? Competing? Guilt, bitterness, frustration, pride, self-centeredness...I guess the list could go on and on. It's ugly that's for sure, when we let our differences define how we treat others...making them feel bad for not being what WE want them to be for us, or to us. 

It's not Jesus' style, and I sure don't want it to be mine. It's been a humbling week for me, to take a look at myself and my actions. Praying about what I need to change and praying also about when to release a relationship and back away till such a time as it seems the other person wants to continue on. Warts and all, good and bad. 

In the meantime, we will  "..fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. - Hebrews 12:2

Who still loves relational women. :)